Umm I'm too high to move.
smell my finger.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
