so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
