I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
