Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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