you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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