I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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