I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
