You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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