Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
