Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I deserve this hangover.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
