When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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