did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
is it fun? or sober?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
