I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
