On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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