And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
