Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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