Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
