Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
