so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
