Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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