Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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