I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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