I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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