I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
