he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
