She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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