Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
