You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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