I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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