Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
