that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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