the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
