I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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