No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
