my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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