I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
