I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just had sex on a roof
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
