i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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