Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
