Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
