when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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