Your dad touched me again.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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