I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
