Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
