After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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