she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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