12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
