The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have fence marks all over my body
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
