So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
