dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
