My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize