My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
