What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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